You’re On Your Own, Kid

Recently, at the Taylor Swift The Eras concert in Tampa, Taylor played the song You’re On Your Own, Kid as her acoustic song. I absolutely LOVE that song, and it was the first song off the Midnights album that really hit me. I think that the overall message of the song really symbolizes that you have to look out for yourself in the world and that you really are on your own kid.

There are a lot of reasons why I think this song and message resonate with me. I want to talk about that today, and what it means to me to be on my own. For as long as I can remember, I have felt alone. I’ve always analyzed why I have felt this way. Maybe it is because I’m the oldest child and the only boy. Maybe it’s because I grew up queer in a straight world, and that was hard to navigate. Maybe it’s because I feel and think deeply. Or, maybe it’s just because I am actually alone.

When I was 15, I was working for my grandpa and uncle in Arizona for the summer. This was my first big away-from-home experience. On the Fourth of July, we all gathered together as a family, and I got to see my parents and sisters. However, when the next day came, it was time to say goodbye to them. As I watched them drive away from the porch, my grandma put her arm around me and said “You know, you are born into this world alone and you die alone. You need to get used to feeling lonely.”

Of course, now I think about that message and laugh a little, but at the time, it really impacted my underdeveloped brain (yes…. I know that my brain is still underdeveloped). Throughout my high school years, I felt so alone. I think high school is a really hard time for everyone. I didn’t know who I was, or how I felt, or what I wanted. The possibilities were endless! Sometimes, I wish that I could go back to that version of myself.

I felt alone though. I thought that if I was popular and people liked me, then maybe I wouldn’t feel so alone. I changed so many parts of myself to feel accepted that I am only now learning who I really am, and what I like. However, when I had so many friends, I still felt lonely. This is where the line of the song “I hosted parties” comes in. So I thought maybe if I do everything and leave no time to be alone, then I won’t feel lonely. But instead of solving my loneliness problem, I just burnt myself out. I’m still recovering from this.

So, in my adolescence, I thought that maybe I was just missing something. I felt like the solution would come from moving on to college or even better… being in a relationship. This seems really logical, right!?! Relationships fix everything… of course, a relationship didn’t happen because I didn’t really accept myself as is, and had a lot of body image issues and what not… blah blah blah.

But then, I discovered something that I thought was the solution to not feeling alone… God. I thought God was a cure-all, and would solve all my problems. How naive I was. So, even though I had a 180 degree turn around in life, I had a great relationship with God and devoted myself to him and serving him, the words from Dr. Seusses Oh The Places You Go echoed in my head:

Alone! Whether you like it or not, alone is something you’ll be quite a lot. And when you’re alone there is a very good chance, you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.

I still felt alone. As much as I love talking to my Heavenly Father, he sends replies like I send text messages… in his own time and most likely months later. Now, don’t twist my words, I still have a great relationship with my Heavenly Father, but only now, do I understand that not everything is magically taken away through faith, and sometimes God gives us learning opportunities.

So, I went to college because that was the next thought right!?! The college will cure my loneliness. Plot twist… it didn’t. I actually felt lonelier at college. I had no idea what I wanted to study or who I wanted to be. So, I turned to the next choice… a relationship (insert eye roll). Of course, I needed to know what I liked and who I liked because having another person would cure my loneliness… I don’t care what Grandma said.

In the song, Taylor says “Like I’d be saved by a perfect kiss.” I thought that maybe if I had a great kiss, I would be saved. I wouldn’t be lonely. So I had my first kiss, with a boy. It wasn’t magical. In fact, it was traumatic… but that’s a story for a different time. So I thought that maybe I needed to “kiss” someone else. Well, that turned into kissing 22 boys and 12 girls, and guess what, it didn’t cure my loneliness. It actually made me feel lonelier.

So, I finally had to do what I avoided doing for years… I had to be alone. I had to face it. So, I spent a couple of months doing things by myself. I skipped out on activities to be alone. I took time to reflect on who I am. At the end of the song, Taylor says “Take the moment and taste it, you’ve got no reason to be afraid.”

The best thing that I’ve learned in the last year, is that I’m alone. That I really do come into the world alone and eventually, I will die alone. This is one of the best pieces of advice that I’ve ever received because eventually, I had to make peace with that. I had to make peace with myself. You aren’t lonely if you like yourself. You aren’t lonely if you like who you are. You aren’t lonely if you have you.

It’s okay to be alone. It’s okay to feel lonely. It’s in the lonely times when I’ve learned to love myself. It’s in the lonely times when I’ve learned to know myself. So, yeah, I have a deep connection to the song You’re On Your Own, Kid. You should go listen to it, and today, spend some time with you.