April 18, 2023
Today, I was talking with a team member, and I was telling her how much I wanted to quit my job, and leave Utah. To which, she responded, “Why don’t you?” This was a shocking answer to me because everyone is so quick to tell you to finish your degree, and just stick it out until you have it. So, to think about why don’t just drop everything and leave was a really big question.
I then had to think about why I am in school in the first place. Normally, I tell people that I go to college for me and that getting a degree is something I’ve always wanted to do for myself. This, of course, isn’t a lie. I do want to get a degree for myself. I’ve always liked challenges. But when I normally say this, I am met with the question, “What do you want to do with that degree then?”
I always say I don’t know. I say I don’t know what I want in life. This, of course, is a lie. I know exactly what I want in life. I know how I want my life to look. I know what I want to be and do. People just never understand it. Let me explain. This is what I want most above anything else:
I want to live in a medium-sized modern farmhouse. I want it to be out in the country. Close enough for me to have all the conveniences of city living, but far enough away to remind me of my childhood and be a safe haven. I also want it far enough away, that there is little light pollution because I want to be able to sit with my telescope and watch the stars year-round. I want there to be a big porch, where I can sit and watch the sunset. I want there to be a big greenhouse, where I can grow produce year-round. Maybe there will even be chickens, I haven’t decided.
I want to work from home, owning my own lifestyle brand. But mostly, I want to work from home so that I can be with my kids. I want five kids, and I want the all to be free, kind, and full of life. One thing about me is that there is nothing I want more in this world than to be a parent. I will give up everything to be a dad. I also want to be married to a man who is kind, and caring, loves God, and works hard.
I used to want to be rich and successful and travel all the time, but I don’t want that anymore. I want a home. I want to create a home. I want the good and the bad. The clean and the messy. I want the late-night fights and the early-morning peaceful moments. I want to grow with someone. I want to raise children, to love the world that they live in. I want a peaceful life. Not in the way that it is quiet and perfect, but peaceful in the way that it is fulfilling.
Whenever I have hard days like today, I like to lay on my bedroom floor and live in this place. I’m pretty good at disassociating, and living in dreamscapes in my head. Unfortunately, I can’t bank on ever really having any of this. For one thing, whenever I think about wanting something for myself, I feel selfish. To me, life isn’t about coming here to Earth and doing everything in our power to achieve our dreams. I feel that my life and purpose here are for everyone else.
I’m just a vessel for other people. I think my life in general is meant to be lived for others. I always thought that my purpose in life was to help other people see the world in color. What I mean by this, is to be someone who changes the way you look at something entirely. I want to show people the beauty of simple things. I want to help people read the poems in every day and paint in the mundane.
Of course, going back to our talk about school, I don’t think a degree with help me achieve either of these things, but it’s the best thing to be doing at the moment. Maybe in another life, I will be able to live out all the things that I desire. But right now, I know I can’t quit school, and I can’t quit my job. I also know that I can’t leave Utah yet because somebody here still needs me.
Anyways, this was a long amount of word vomit, but the message of this post is don’t quit your job today and stay in school.
