November 18, 2022
It is currently 11:29 pm on November 18. There is one week until I turn 22 and I am currently wide awake. I haven’t written a blog post in almost a year, due to a lack of creativity. In fact, I don’t really feel creative anymore. I guess that’s just one of the things that happen to you when you grow up. I’m not even sure if I will post this entry, but I need to write. My blog has become something of a personal journal to me.
I’ve always liked writing. It’s always been my favorite way to express myself. I feel safe when I write, as if I am untouchable because I don’t have to face direct reactions when I write. There is no confrontation. I’ve been writing a lot lately. I usually do that when there is a lot on my mind.
Recently, in therapy, I’ve been talking about how life has been having an after the party feeling. You know that feeling? The one where everyone has gone home, and you’re laying in your living room staring at the ceiling. Happy and euphoric at the events that just took place, but suddenly reminded about the lonliness that creeps around the corner as the last guest goes home for the night. Like nothing is wrong, but not everything is entirely right either.
My therapist described this as almost a lack of completeness or feeling unwhole. That’s how life has felt lately. Actually, that’s how life has always felt. The hard part is I now recognize this feeling, I just can’t figure out what I am missing.
I watched my favorite movie Call Me By Your Name the other day. It reminded me of my junior year of college when I first saw it. When I was in high school, I thought that I could do anything I set my mind to. I was so blindly optimistic. The world was my stage and life was what I created. I wanted to graduate and move to California and be a model. I practiced my runway walk every chance I got, and I also taught myself to sew.
My parents wanted me to pursue a real job and California was always too expensive. So I planned for the next best thing, going to ASU for marketing. My mom and I even toured the campus and I felt so good about it. ASU held the key to all my dreams. Sometimes, I wonder what life would look like if I would have pursued that path. Would I be happy? Would I be at peace? Anxious? Depressed? Or would I be in the same boat that I am currently just in a warmer climate?
My mom reminds me that I can’t regret serving a mission because of all the blessings that I received from it. She’s right, and I don’t regret serving a mission (most days), but still, my mind wonders about the what-ifs. I miss that version of myself when I was naive and full of hope. A part of me broke the day I was dropped off at the MTC.
One of the things that I’ve learned in the last year is that adults really don’t know what they want in life. Minds are constantly changed and new paths are paved every day. Everyone just has a different way to cope with change and growth. I wish there was a book that laid everything out nicely and fully. Life is hard sometimes.
Lately, I’ve loved being alone. Normal things bore me. I get easily tired of people. I have to remind myself to eat because I’m not very hungry. Seasonal depression season has started. I started taking vitamin D and working out again.
The other day a friend asked me about my dating life. I told her that it was non-existent because it really is. Another friend told me I was a catch and also asked why no one has snatched me up. Why is everyone so concerned with dating? My sister is getting married in a couple of months, and I am already dreading the “when is it your turn?” or the “are you dating anyone?,” or the “you’re next” conversations that I know are bound to happen because church culture brings us all up to be so concerned with dating and finding an eternal partner asap.
Eternity sends me spiraling. I can’t think about that, and yet eternity is the only thing I think about.
I think the real root of all my problems is that I always have to work during the sunset now, and I haven’t watched the sunset is weeks.
I have been debating whether or not I should pray today. I haven’t prayed in a while. It doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in God. I just know that he is tired of hearing me complain about the same things. He’s probably tired of hearing me ask for things that he can’t give me. I got tired of hearing silence. Besides, I am so blessed in life. There are so many people who he needs to be with more.
The time is now 12:10 am. I don’t feel tired yet, but I do feel lighter. It was the writing. I always feel better after writing, even when the words don’t make sense and the ideas are all over the place. I want to post more on this blog. I need to make more time for it.
18 November 2022
