I’m Drafting

I want to run away. I want to get in my car and just drive. With nowhere in mind, and I never want to come back. I want to disappear without a trace. I want to go to a town I’ve never been to, and I want to learn all about it. I want to meet someone new. I want to meet lots of new people. I want to learn their stories. I want to get to know them. I want to see the way that they see the world. I want to fall in love with them, and before they hurt me, I want to leave. Start it all over again. Town after town, city after city, constantly reinventing myself and meeting new people.

Unfortunately, I’m not made of money, and I have anxiety. So, I will continue to lay in bed and dream about the people that I’m going to meet, the people that I’m going to love. My therapist says that I shouldn’t live in my head, but I can’t help it. I’ve created this wonderful, beautiful story all in my brain. It’s safe, and it’s warm and I can do and be anything I want. Andrea says it’s unhealthy though, so I’m working on it.

I haven’t written a blog post since July. I’ve tried to, but I’m always at a loss for words. So, I created draft after draft. I feel like that has been the theme of 2023 for me, draft after draft. I think part of myself also died when my grandma died. Which is so cliché to say (insert eye roll). I think the biggest thing is that I don’t care about a lot of things that I used to care about.

This is a good thing and also a bad thing. I don’t get hung up on the little things that used to make me so upset. I don’t care if everything is perfect anymore. I don’t care if I hit a red light or if I wake up a couple of minutes late. Some things just aren’t that important. I also don’t really care if people like me very much. I’ve cut so many people out of my life this year. How did that feel? Freeing. Life is too short.

Life is too short to conform to everyone around you. Life is too short to do things you don’t want to do. Life is too short to spend time with people who constantly drain you. So, I’ve been drafting. I’ve been writing page after page. I’ve been building a house made out of boundaries and pillow thoughts. I’ve been drafting a new life for myself.

One where I lay down at night and list the things I’m grateful for instead of daydreaming about running away. A life where I take myself out to lunch even though my anxiety is really high. I’ve been building a life where I spend time with myself, and I enjoy being with myself. I’ve been working on building a new life. Isn’t that freeing?

One of my favorite books is The Awakening by Kate Chopin. In it, the protagonist Edna struggles between her duties in society and her struggles with self-discovery. There is a quote in the book which reads:

“But whatever came, she had resolved never again to belong to another than herself.”

What a beautiful quote. What a beautiful concept. I think 2023 has been my own awakening. I’ve discovered so much of who I am this year. Never have I been so in love with being me.

Somedays, I still want to run away. I want to meet people. I want to love people. I want to see new things. I wish you understood how big of a deal it is, that I finally want to do things. I finally want to do things in the future.

I hope you know how amazing it is to love who you are. I hope everyone gets to love who they are. I hope you have goals and wants. I hope you fall in love with being alive.